We have heard, with sadness, that his Honor the Mayor of Los Angeles and his special friend of some months, Ms. Mirthala Salinas, former political reporter for Telemundo, have called it quitsville. The great hook-up of power with beauty, of City Hall and Spanish-language media, of two lonely narcissists, each in search of the perfect audience, is over. And with that romance, an era passes.
But what exactly happened during the Greatest Romance of the 21st Century, (keeping in mind that it's still a very young century)? A certain fly on the wall was able to listen in on the final conservation between two of the most scintillating and intriguing personalities of recent times — and the hitherto unheard story about the way their romance foundered on an important land-use decision in the San Fernando Valley. Readers should keep in mind that NBC Studios and Thomas Properties of Los Angeles have announced plans to build a $3 billion broadcast facility for the national television network, and that the City of Los Angeles (insert picture here of Mayor Villaraigosa smiling winsomely) has jurisdiction. Without further ado, our telenovela de amor:
Scene: A quiet bedroom. A couple in the bed. General disarray of bed clothing, suggesting passion spent.
Antonio: You seem unusually quiet tonight, mi corazon. A penny for sus pensamientos?
Mirthala: Oh, nothing, caro, just thinking… (She looks north out the window, toward the future home of NBC's West Coast televisions studios.)
Antonio (apprehensive): Oh no, I've told you not to waste that pretty little head with thinking.
Mirthala (Suddenly, decisively): Tony, I want to get back into television.
Antonio (Cautiously, not knowing yet where the conversation is heading): Of course, of course, television is nice…
Mirthala (turning her head sharply toward him): Antonio! You will have something to do with the approval of the new NBC studios at Universal, que no?
Antonio: Of course I do, my darling. This is a great event for the City of Los Angeles, bringing hundreds of high-paying jobs into our employment-tax rolls…
Mirthala (angrily): Don't talk to me as if I were a child or a television reporter, Tony. You have some leverage here…
Antonio (with the uneasy tone of a man on stormy seas): Well, suppose I did? Then what?
Mirthala: (seizing him by the shoulders) You must make that approval conditional, Tony.
Antonio (throwing aside the bedclothes and grabbing his trousers from the night stand): Dios, Mirthala, what are you saying? Conditional on what?
Mirthala: I want to get back into TV. And not just any TV, Esai, I'm talking national peacock TV.
Antonio: Now, hija, I've told you a thousand times not to ask me to pull strings…
Mirthala: You owe me, Tony! Because of you I had to leave my job. It's the very least you can do…
Antonio (miserably, to himself): Oh, God, spare me. (To Mirthala): Exactly what role do you see for yourself at NBC, cara? Assistant news producer, perhaps? Intern film editor?
Mirthala: Don't act stupid, Antonio. You know I want to be on camera again.
Antonio (weary, resigned): What slot were you thinking of, darling?
Mirthala: Saturday Night Live.
Antonio: No way, gal pal! You would be the butt of endless jokes at your expense--and mine. Ditto for the Tonight Show and Conan O'Brien.
Mirthala: At least Carson Daly!
Antonio (pleading with her): Sweetheart, that demographic is too young for you! You're over 30.
Mirthala: You bastard! (quickly regains self control) Then a continuing role in a dramatic series, at the very least.
Antonio: What about Law & Order Special Victims Unit? They have a Latina star. (Shuts his eyes.) Oh, I love Law & Order! It stars Mariska Hartigay!...
Mirthala: Are you kidding? She's not Latina! She's half Hungarian and half Jayne Mansfield.
Antonio: Who cares? (He gets an idea.) What about 30 Rock?
Mirthala (With distaste): Eesh, Alec Baldwin! I don't want to kiss him! He's too old. Plus he plays a Republican.
Antonio: We're running out of options. (Cruelly) How about a walk-on in Days of Our Lives?
Mirthala (In a fury): Day-time TV? Is that what you think of me? (She quickly gathers her clothes and marches indignantly from the room.) Find yourself a new squeeze, you lizard. The honorable, my a– (She slams the door behind her.)
Antonio (calls out behind her): But angelcake! It could be a speaking role! (Defeated, he sinks back on the bed, slapping his forehead with his hand.) On no, not again! Dear Lord, what do women want? (Sighs heavily.) That's it! No more babes! This is not the way the future First Latino Vice President in United States History should behave! I'm swearing 'em off… except … (He sits up, and unfolds his Razor cell phone.) Hello, the NBC operator, please. … It's the mayor of Los Angeles. I want to arrange a meeting with Ms. Hartigay. … Yes … I want to get her viewpoint on the NBC deal….
- Morris Newman
