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CP&DR Exclusive: Fictitious Draft EIR for Downtown L.A. Football Stadium

I have published so many corrections in my journalism career that I now write the correction along with the story. To wit: The following story is all made up. There is no draft EIR for the downtown football stadium yet. Yet few readers are aware that I possess the flawless crystal sphere of Nostradamus, which gives me super powers to see accurately into the future. (Note to editor: Do I have to run corrections for inaccurate statements about myself? I mean, who would know?)

Gosh, it's really, really hard to guess what the negative impacts might occur, when building a football stadium with seating for 70,000 or so people rises in downtown Los Angeles. Let's see now.

TRAFFIC IMPACT: Slightly negative impact. Recommended mitigation: Add 10 lanes each to the Hollywood (101), Interstate 10, Interstate 5 and Harbor (110) freeways. The side benefit is that Caltrans will be distracted from its long-stated goal of ploughing up the city of South Pasadena to complete the 710 Freeway, to ensure that Pasadena matrons have more convenient access to the burly longshoremen in Long Beach. (What, you didn't know about that?) Suggested mitigation: Convert the Los Angeles Convention Center to a multi-level parking structure. Economically, this is a much better solution for the convention center than trade shows. The Dallas Cowboys charge $75 to park at their stadium. Do the math.

AIR QUALITY: Somewhat negative impact. What's another day of  20,000 or 30,000 cars descending on downtown Los Angeles? Aforementioned site already has a lot of cars. Who's to notice? Plus, football teams are frequently on the road, causing congestion and pollution in other cities.  Suggested mitigation: Play the entire season out of town.

ARCHITECTURAL QUALITY: Teensy-weensy negative impact. I, for one, can think of nothing more pleasant than driving by an enormous building that resembles a very large salad bowl  that is spinning rapidly on a turntable, with the lettuce beginning to fly out. The only drawback to this design is that we can still see the 53-story Marriott Hotel tower, standing all by itself on the southern end of downtown like a great big you-know-what. Suggested mitigation: Make the stadium at least 10 stories higher.

ECONOMIC IMPACT ON CITY OF LOS ANGELES: Negligible, if you don't count the $300 million in bonding authority that the developer is requesting from the city. The developer promises to service the debt. Insofar as we are doing away with redevelopment (at last report), the city will not need this money for any other purpose, such as housing, parks, etc.  Plus: We have a fictitious consultant's report that will tell us all the benefits that the city will enjoy from this massive, ugly and inappropriate sports facility.

SUMMARY OF FICTITIOUS CONSULTANTS' REPORT: "We see very positive economic benefits accruing to the City from the construction and operation of said Stadium If we tabulate all the increase in receipts going to parking valets, tee-shirt vendors, caterers providing food and drink to corporate fat cats entertaining their equally fat clients in exclusive sky boxes, plus the assorted sex worker or two, we arrive at a conservative estimate of $20-$30 billion of economic benefit for the City in the next two decades.      

Yessir! No doubt about it (P.S. Please take notice of the Invoice attached to this Report for $250,000, which is the cost of cooking up this nonsense for the City Council.)"

Outrageous distortions? Perhaps. I'll make you a deal: All interested readers should bookmark this article and wait until the actual Draft EIR and Consultant's Report actually come out. I promise you that the predictions obtained from the flawless crystal sphere of Nostradamus will be alarmingly close to actuality.   

--Morris Newman